It's a beautiful May afternoon and I am catching some me time while the kids are playing next door. I have about 20 minutes and then we have to run to get to baseball practice. We'll be done about 6:30 just in time to grab a quick bite. (read: eat out) Just one example of LIFE throwing me curve balls. Or I can skip dinner with the family and take a shake to practice. Or I can get a stupid fast food salad. Or I can not eat out but get all hungry and pig out when we get home. I think I'm going to have to go for the shake.
I have been working out before work 4 times a week again. I added weights BACK in addition to cardio and planks. My hands are still hurting following weights (remember hand injury) so I need a way around that. I'll try towels around the weights tomorrow. I found another great workout play list. The Shape Magazine play lists are really great! I like the tempo and the non stop play from one song to another. Today I forgot my ipod and it was so hard to keep going on the elliptical. I really need that beat. It makes the world of difference.
My food intake has been very touch and go. I have not been journaling. An old friend even joined My Fitness Pal and befriended me and yet I still cannot get back into journaling. I am up about 4 pounds from mid March. Total weight loss is 12 pounds. I have no one to blame but me. Despite the work outs, I have indulged in the pizza hut buffet, had a piece of happy retirement cake, intentionally went through the Hardee's drive through for some fries. I ordered fried zucchini as well because it sounded yummy like something I would see made on Chopped. I was very disappointed. It was fried. That's all you need to know. Bottom line: between the hours of 4-6, I lose it. I need a plan. I have no desire to chomp on carrots like some weight loss articles suggest. I have no desire to have a tall glass of water and wait to make sure I'm really hungry. I want some chips. And crackers. And koolaid. Tomorrow I'll take the kids to the library after work. Maybe keeping busy will keep me away from post work munchies.
Tug has been working out more and I can see a difference in his muscles. Very nice! Good for him! His new schedule is so great. Having him home for dinners and weekends is priceless. He and Ty have been working on Ty's catching skills. That's so fun to watch.
So here we are. Nearly June. We are about halfway through the year and I realize, I am not halfway to my goal! Not good. I need to get back on track! I want so bad to meet my weight goal by the end of the year. But I really wanted to meet it by NOW and spend the next 6 months maintaining. So much for that plan. Nonetheless, time to get serious again. I don't want to journal. I don't want to diet. I want to loose 16 pounds more. These diet quick result pills are looking better and better. I know they don't work but I still wonder "maybe that one will work!" Which begs the question, how much would you PAY to lose 16 pounds? Like easy. Imagine you paid some money now and it was gone in three weeks with minimal effort. How much? Is there anything that does that with exercize and moderate eating? Is there ANY pill that actually works?
I digress. I have wasted enough money on that crap. Bottom line, I'll keep the workouts up and start journaling again tomorrow. Because that seems to be the only thing that has not let me down.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Spiritual Growth During a Fitness Quest
Well, it's been about 7 weeks since my last post. To say that I've fallen off the wagon would be a huge understatement. That's not to say i haven't been working out and pursuing fitness. I have. Just not as full-scale and hard core as I thought i might. An honest self-assessment would have me less than happy with my dedication to lifting weights on a regular schedule. Is there still some lingering depression from my Dad's death? Probably. More accurately, I would say its more of a case of lack of will and desire to spend the time pushing weights. Pretty plain and simple.
How can I get myself out of this malaise i find myself in? I may have found an answer in an unexpected place. More on that later. First, I'll recap what I HAVE been doing (or perhaps more accurately, what i haven't been doing).
I've been setting the morning alarm at 6am almost every weekday, regardless of when i needed to be at work. The hope was that I'd get my ass out of bed and go work out in the basement. I have found that much harder to do than it used to be. I attribute some of this to an increased loathing of having to go work. Especially in the last two weeks. After putting in my two-weeks notice at DISH Network, I really felt like my time there was unproductive and that made it much harder to want to go to work. Not wanting to go, in turn, made it much harder to get out of bed in the morning. I still managed to get up and work out over the last 7 weeks at least twice a week. Not the 3-4 i was doing before my dad's passing. But still pretty decent. Better than nothing, at least. With the turn in the weather, I've also been able to get out on my bike more over the last few weeks. My standard ride has been from Chatfield State Park to Downtown Denver (Confluence Park). A round trip of about 34 miles. These rides have been awesome. One of my goals at the beginning of the year was to do a charity ride of at least 50 miles. I haven't entered one yet, and doubt i will. However, I do plan on hitting the 50 mile mark on my rides by the end of August. There are a couple of nice rides i can do from home that loop north or south using the C470 pathway to the South Platte trail and back. I really want to start working on my climbing skills so that the big hills in the charity rides won't scare when i do decide to register for one. So, all in all, I'm still doing some lifting and feel pretty fit (read: unflabby arms, tighter core) and have gotten the cardio and legs going with some real outdoor riding. My biggest challenge for the summer will be finding time to ride. With my work schedule at DISH i was able to use a day in the middle week to disappear for a couple hours without worrying about burdening Andi with the kids. Now, I'll need to find time and a guilt-free psyche to allow me get out on the weekends.
Now back to where i think i can find help with my "malaise" which i think has affected my workout pursuit. With my Dad's death in February, I became a bit spiritually conflicted. While I've always thought of myself as a Christian and I've believe in Christ and the Resurrection and God and the Trinity, etc., I've not been a very good Christian soldier. I don't talk about my faith with anyone aside from my family and a few very select friends. The conflict that I came to face was two-fold. One: after seeing my dad so diminished in his final few days, it was hard to understand how a God could exist that would allow one of his children to suffer the way my dad did. Two: my dad believed in God, but didn't really believe in the miracles of Jesus and the Resurrection. He prayed fervently, but wasn't a believer in one of God's greatest achievements... the death and ensuing resurrection of His Son for us. My dad did not believe he was going to heaven. Knowing his beliefs (or lack thereof) has made it hard for me to cope with what must've been going through my father's mind in his last few hours of physical being.
As a result of this conflict within, and in an effort to understand where my father was, I went to prayer. After a couple of weeks, i found myself flipping through the radio stations on my drive to or from work and actually stopping on one of the two Christian radio stations on the air here in Denver. One plays modern Christian music, the other is talk based. These stops have eventually turned into destinations. Places where i want to go. Places where I'm happy to be. The messages, for the most part, are positive, encouraging, empowering. I have found them to be great places to start the day before work and end the day before walking into the house to see my loved-ones.
Also, Andi and I have been making a concerted effort to get back in the habit of going to church. The fellowship and message are incredibly powerful. It's a fitting way to thank God for all that I have to actually go to church, get down on my knees and pray to His greatness.
A few weeks ago, I found myself in Barnes and Noble after one of my bike rides. I was looking for a Caribbean travel magazine, yet found myself pulled to the religion section of the store. I stared at the titles on the shelves for about 20 minutes. One series of books really stood out to me because of the titles. I settled on "The Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel. The author has written several books, all titled "The Case for ...." (fill in the blank... Jesus, the Resurrection, God, etc). Strobel, a self-professed former atheist, has a legal and journalism background and approaches the books as an attorney would approach a case. He uses scholars as his legal experts and creates a case either for or against his theme. I thought that with my dad being an attorney and always approaching things on a rational basis, this would be a book he could have related to. I wish he would have read it. The first chapter alone is worth the price of admission. I would encourage anyone looking for a different take on the biggest questions regarding faith to read this book. I plan on reading all of Strobel's books pertaining to religion. They are well-thought out, thought provoking and honest.
With this new spiritual awakening, I think i will have an easier time dragging myself out of bed. Each day is a treasure. Every day I'm alive should be reason enough to want to get out of bed and better myself, be it through physical or spiritual exercise. I truly believe God gave me this new job to give me more time with my family and the things that really matter. He has refocused me on the good things in life (which aren't really things).
Needless to say, I do think my dad made it to heaven. He was a good and honest man who knew he wasn't perfect. If his pain and suffering helped lead me to where i am... to this painful, yet happy place, I believe my dad would have thought it worth it. Because of that, I won't let his suffering go to waste. I will be better.
How can I get myself out of this malaise i find myself in? I may have found an answer in an unexpected place. More on that later. First, I'll recap what I HAVE been doing (or perhaps more accurately, what i haven't been doing).
I've been setting the morning alarm at 6am almost every weekday, regardless of when i needed to be at work. The hope was that I'd get my ass out of bed and go work out in the basement. I have found that much harder to do than it used to be. I attribute some of this to an increased loathing of having to go work. Especially in the last two weeks. After putting in my two-weeks notice at DISH Network, I really felt like my time there was unproductive and that made it much harder to want to go to work. Not wanting to go, in turn, made it much harder to get out of bed in the morning. I still managed to get up and work out over the last 7 weeks at least twice a week. Not the 3-4 i was doing before my dad's passing. But still pretty decent. Better than nothing, at least. With the turn in the weather, I've also been able to get out on my bike more over the last few weeks. My standard ride has been from Chatfield State Park to Downtown Denver (Confluence Park). A round trip of about 34 miles. These rides have been awesome. One of my goals at the beginning of the year was to do a charity ride of at least 50 miles. I haven't entered one yet, and doubt i will. However, I do plan on hitting the 50 mile mark on my rides by the end of August. There are a couple of nice rides i can do from home that loop north or south using the C470 pathway to the South Platte trail and back. I really want to start working on my climbing skills so that the big hills in the charity rides won't scare when i do decide to register for one. So, all in all, I'm still doing some lifting and feel pretty fit (read: unflabby arms, tighter core) and have gotten the cardio and legs going with some real outdoor riding. My biggest challenge for the summer will be finding time to ride. With my work schedule at DISH i was able to use a day in the middle week to disappear for a couple hours without worrying about burdening Andi with the kids. Now, I'll need to find time and a guilt-free psyche to allow me get out on the weekends.
Now back to where i think i can find help with my "malaise" which i think has affected my workout pursuit. With my Dad's death in February, I became a bit spiritually conflicted. While I've always thought of myself as a Christian and I've believe in Christ and the Resurrection and God and the Trinity, etc., I've not been a very good Christian soldier. I don't talk about my faith with anyone aside from my family and a few very select friends. The conflict that I came to face was two-fold. One: after seeing my dad so diminished in his final few days, it was hard to understand how a God could exist that would allow one of his children to suffer the way my dad did. Two: my dad believed in God, but didn't really believe in the miracles of Jesus and the Resurrection. He prayed fervently, but wasn't a believer in one of God's greatest achievements... the death and ensuing resurrection of His Son for us. My dad did not believe he was going to heaven. Knowing his beliefs (or lack thereof) has made it hard for me to cope with what must've been going through my father's mind in his last few hours of physical being.
As a result of this conflict within, and in an effort to understand where my father was, I went to prayer. After a couple of weeks, i found myself flipping through the radio stations on my drive to or from work and actually stopping on one of the two Christian radio stations on the air here in Denver. One plays modern Christian music, the other is talk based. These stops have eventually turned into destinations. Places where i want to go. Places where I'm happy to be. The messages, for the most part, are positive, encouraging, empowering. I have found them to be great places to start the day before work and end the day before walking into the house to see my loved-ones.
Also, Andi and I have been making a concerted effort to get back in the habit of going to church. The fellowship and message are incredibly powerful. It's a fitting way to thank God for all that I have to actually go to church, get down on my knees and pray to His greatness.
A few weeks ago, I found myself in Barnes and Noble after one of my bike rides. I was looking for a Caribbean travel magazine, yet found myself pulled to the religion section of the store. I stared at the titles on the shelves for about 20 minutes. One series of books really stood out to me because of the titles. I settled on "The Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel. The author has written several books, all titled "The Case for ...." (fill in the blank... Jesus, the Resurrection, God, etc). Strobel, a self-professed former atheist, has a legal and journalism background and approaches the books as an attorney would approach a case. He uses scholars as his legal experts and creates a case either for or against his theme. I thought that with my dad being an attorney and always approaching things on a rational basis, this would be a book he could have related to. I wish he would have read it. The first chapter alone is worth the price of admission. I would encourage anyone looking for a different take on the biggest questions regarding faith to read this book. I plan on reading all of Strobel's books pertaining to religion. They are well-thought out, thought provoking and honest.
With this new spiritual awakening, I think i will have an easier time dragging myself out of bed. Each day is a treasure. Every day I'm alive should be reason enough to want to get out of bed and better myself, be it through physical or spiritual exercise. I truly believe God gave me this new job to give me more time with my family and the things that really matter. He has refocused me on the good things in life (which aren't really things).
Needless to say, I do think my dad made it to heaven. He was a good and honest man who knew he wasn't perfect. If his pain and suffering helped lead me to where i am... to this painful, yet happy place, I believe my dad would have thought it worth it. Because of that, I won't let his suffering go to waste. I will be better.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
No, My Clothes are NOT Shrinking by Andi
If you recall from my first post, I lost weight last year and slowly gained it ALL back while lying to myself that my clothes are tight because they were just washed or they shrunk in the wash. Today I can tell you that my clothes are feeling tighter than three weeks ago because I have gained weight. Three pounds to be exact. My food journaling on "My Fitness Pal" has dwindled. I rarely use it anymore. I've indulged in a lot of candy and Girl Scout ccookies and I went from working-out five times a week to 3-4. In fact, I started reading a book on the stationary bike en lieu of jogging or working up a good sweat on the elliptical. I also have not lifted weights in over a week due to injuries on both hands. I have replaced weights with planks, which I like a lot BUT I am concerned about my arms/shoulders with no weight lifting. Obviously, I need to recommit myself. I cannot keep gaining. So at this point, I am down 13 pounds with 15 left to go.
This morning I read a post from a blog I really enjoy called Intentional Living. The author, Angie, wrote about a terrible thought that has been creeping into her head regarding her weight loss struggle. This thought also plagues me. What if this is the weight I am just meant to be? What if we all have a natural weight and we are fighting against nature trying to fit a round peg into a square hole? Wouldn't I just be happier NOT to think about food and exercise all the time and just accept myself for a 155 pound person? So what if the doctors and the Wii say I need to lose weight. I can be happy like this. Right? I think this a lot. It's the seed that results in other thoughts like "Screw it. I'm eating this cookie." or "I worked out, I can have seconds." and "I need new clothes because these are tight." I have also read a lot of articles about women who find happiness after they learn how to love themselves for who they are and accept their weight for what it is. Let's get one thing straight. I do love myself. I love myself so much, I want to feel great inside and out. I love myself so much I want to live long. I love myself so much, I don't want to poison myself with over processed and overly fatty and sugary foods. Okay, that's a little too forced. Some of that food is so yummy!
Bottom line: I am not ready to accept defeat and NOT reach for a lower weight. I know I will feel better if I keep this up. I just need to get back on track. Today I will prep some food for the week. I did not do that last week due to the hand injuries. I ate worse for sure. I will also take a walk when Tug gets home from work just to get a little exercise. I will get all the laundry done so I have workout clothes ready available to me thus no excuses not to work out this week. And I will probably finish my awesome book so I am not tempted to sit on the stationary bike instead of a sweaty big time workout. It's a plan! And since Tug tossed the Easter candy and I finished off the Girl Scout cookies, I am without these empty, good for nothin' temptations.
As for plans for other types of fitness...I am very pleased to report that we have started back to church. I enjoy that place. The congregation is small and welcoming. Father Todd is insightful. The feeling of worshiping God while sitting next to my husband is second to none. We will be able to make church an on-going habit now because Tug's weekends working are limited. Tug got a new job! He will not have to work weekends anymore! He will also get to eat dinner with us again! This is good news for the family, for Tug's heart and for my sanity! Just two more weeks of the old job and then I'll have my BFF around more. The future looks bright!
This morning I read a post from a blog I really enjoy called Intentional Living. The author, Angie, wrote about a terrible thought that has been creeping into her head regarding her weight loss struggle. This thought also plagues me. What if this is the weight I am just meant to be? What if we all have a natural weight and we are fighting against nature trying to fit a round peg into a square hole? Wouldn't I just be happier NOT to think about food and exercise all the time and just accept myself for a 155 pound person? So what if the doctors and the Wii say I need to lose weight. I can be happy like this. Right? I think this a lot. It's the seed that results in other thoughts like "Screw it. I'm eating this cookie." or "I worked out, I can have seconds." and "I need new clothes because these are tight." I have also read a lot of articles about women who find happiness after they learn how to love themselves for who they are and accept their weight for what it is. Let's get one thing straight. I do love myself. I love myself so much, I want to feel great inside and out. I love myself so much I want to live long. I love myself so much, I don't want to poison myself with over processed and overly fatty and sugary foods. Okay, that's a little too forced. Some of that food is so yummy!
Bottom line: I am not ready to accept defeat and NOT reach for a lower weight. I know I will feel better if I keep this up. I just need to get back on track. Today I will prep some food for the week. I did not do that last week due to the hand injuries. I ate worse for sure. I will also take a walk when Tug gets home from work just to get a little exercise. I will get all the laundry done so I have workout clothes ready available to me thus no excuses not to work out this week. And I will probably finish my awesome book so I am not tempted to sit on the stationary bike instead of a sweaty big time workout. It's a plan! And since Tug tossed the Easter candy and I finished off the Girl Scout cookies, I am without these empty, good for nothin' temptations.
As for plans for other types of fitness...I am very pleased to report that we have started back to church. I enjoy that place. The congregation is small and welcoming. Father Todd is insightful. The feeling of worshiping God while sitting next to my husband is second to none. We will be able to make church an on-going habit now because Tug's weekends working are limited. Tug got a new job! He will not have to work weekends anymore! He will also get to eat dinner with us again! This is good news for the family, for Tug's heart and for my sanity! Just two more weeks of the old job and then I'll have my BFF around more. The future looks bright!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Off Track with Lots of Excuses by Andi
So much for weekly blog posts! I'm half surprised and half disappointed that non of you all called for a welfare check and me and Tug.
It's been a hard few weeks for me and my healthy habits. I have struggled to stay the course. Truthfully, I got off course a few times and pretty much drifted toward gluttony island for about two weeks. This morning, I grabbed that wheel and got back on track. It all started on the first day of Spring Break for my kids. I was at home for four days in a row and temptation was everywhere. Well, it was mostly gold fish crackers and finishing off their plates as to not let the food go to waste. I actually started NOT making my own food and banking on the fact I would have their left overs. Good plan, right? Not. Some meals I had no left overs. So I pigged out on whatever I could find in the pantry.
I figured that I would get back on track when I went back to work. That's when I could take a hour at the gym in the morning and limit my food intake to what I packed in my food bag. The day before I went back to work, crisis struck at work. Big crisis. I spent the next three days at our Emergency Operations Center. No lunch breaks but plenty of grab and go food. Plenty of unhealthy food. Plenty of yummy food! And I gave myself a pass to eat it. I thought to myself "I'm working a crisis! All bets are off. I'm eating what I want because I deserve it." Yes, I did used that word. Deserve. Honestly, I also deserve a healthy body but for me, food is too often about reward. And during these days, I did not have time for some other kind of reward. I actually hit the gym still, which, of course, gave me more permission to eat like a pig.
Okay, so once the crisis was essentially over for me and my staff, I was ready to get back to routine and eating well. So we are talking about 10 days off course. My mother in law comes to visit. Work is still busy but now I have my daughter sleeping in my room and I worry about waking up at 4 am to go to the gym. I'm "sure" I will wake her. I don't want to wake her and make my husband have to deal with a 4 year old at 4 in the morning while I skip off to the gym. So I "take one for the team" and I sleep in until 5:30 and I miss the gym for six days. And it's Easter time. And I bought way too much candy and I bought candy I like. Do you see where I am headed here? Yes, Fatville.
To make matters more ridiculous, it's the end of the work weight loss challenge. My potential, down the drain. Today, I stopped the madness. I went to the gym and I tracked my food. I also weighed in for the last time at the weight loss challenge. Wait, let's back up. Last night. I pondered what I did to myself over the past two weeks. I weighed myself and I was up three pounds. Crushing. I did NOT want to pay $5. I also did not want anyone to know that I goofed it. What to do? Here's what I did. I laughed as I did these things and I laugh now. I cut my toe nails. I cut my finger nails. I shaved my legs and underarms. I exfoliated my face. I drank a LOT of water. I found the lightest skirt and top for work I have in my closet. This morning, I worked out. I made sure to dry my hair very well after my shower. I was light on the make-up and opted not to wear any jewelry. I considered going commando. Not a good idea for the work place. So I made a good choice to toss that idea. I went to the bathroom three times just to make sure there was no more potty left. (TMI? I don't make you read this, do I?) I made the walk of shame to the weigh-in and in this twenty second walk, I cursed myself for not scheduling a hair cut prior to the final weigh-in. Prior to getting on the scale, I took off my sweater and glasses. Then, I stepped on the scale very lightly. And, of course I held my breath. I was down 1.8 from the last weigh-in. Obviously my home scale is off. I am sure the work "weigh-in" scale is right. I mean, who doesn't eat like a piggy for two weeks, skip work-outs for 10 days and not lose 1.8 pounds? I don't know what to tell you. I actually weight myself twice. I was so confused. Then I grabbed my sweater and got out of there quick-like. And then I started breathing again. I lost a total of 8.6 pounds in our 8 week weight loss challenge.
I am down a total of 16.4 pounds from January 1st. Just 1.6 more until I reach my first goal. Then I'll go for another five and re-evaluate. I'll be working out again tomorrow and packing good food. I need to do something with this Easter candy. The Old Andi would say something like "I'll just finish it off now and then it won't be around to tempt me." It's an option. I could toss it all. Or I can ration it. Or take it to work and make the weight loss champions salivate.
Well, keep reading I expect the next time I write, I will have made my first goal! And just in time for the warmer weather!
It's been a hard few weeks for me and my healthy habits. I have struggled to stay the course. Truthfully, I got off course a few times and pretty much drifted toward gluttony island for about two weeks. This morning, I grabbed that wheel and got back on track. It all started on the first day of Spring Break for my kids. I was at home for four days in a row and temptation was everywhere. Well, it was mostly gold fish crackers and finishing off their plates as to not let the food go to waste. I actually started NOT making my own food and banking on the fact I would have their left overs. Good plan, right? Not. Some meals I had no left overs. So I pigged out on whatever I could find in the pantry.
I figured that I would get back on track when I went back to work. That's when I could take a hour at the gym in the morning and limit my food intake to what I packed in my food bag. The day before I went back to work, crisis struck at work. Big crisis. I spent the next three days at our Emergency Operations Center. No lunch breaks but plenty of grab and go food. Plenty of unhealthy food. Plenty of yummy food! And I gave myself a pass to eat it. I thought to myself "I'm working a crisis! All bets are off. I'm eating what I want because I deserve it." Yes, I did used that word. Deserve. Honestly, I also deserve a healthy body but for me, food is too often about reward. And during these days, I did not have time for some other kind of reward. I actually hit the gym still, which, of course, gave me more permission to eat like a pig.
Okay, so once the crisis was essentially over for me and my staff, I was ready to get back to routine and eating well. So we are talking about 10 days off course. My mother in law comes to visit. Work is still busy but now I have my daughter sleeping in my room and I worry about waking up at 4 am to go to the gym. I'm "sure" I will wake her. I don't want to wake her and make my husband have to deal with a 4 year old at 4 in the morning while I skip off to the gym. So I "take one for the team" and I sleep in until 5:30 and I miss the gym for six days. And it's Easter time. And I bought way too much candy and I bought candy I like. Do you see where I am headed here? Yes, Fatville.
To make matters more ridiculous, it's the end of the work weight loss challenge. My potential, down the drain. Today, I stopped the madness. I went to the gym and I tracked my food. I also weighed in for the last time at the weight loss challenge. Wait, let's back up. Last night. I pondered what I did to myself over the past two weeks. I weighed myself and I was up three pounds. Crushing. I did NOT want to pay $5. I also did not want anyone to know that I goofed it. What to do? Here's what I did. I laughed as I did these things and I laugh now. I cut my toe nails. I cut my finger nails. I shaved my legs and underarms. I exfoliated my face. I drank a LOT of water. I found the lightest skirt and top for work I have in my closet. This morning, I worked out. I made sure to dry my hair very well after my shower. I was light on the make-up and opted not to wear any jewelry. I considered going commando. Not a good idea for the work place. So I made a good choice to toss that idea. I went to the bathroom three times just to make sure there was no more potty left. (TMI? I don't make you read this, do I?) I made the walk of shame to the weigh-in and in this twenty second walk, I cursed myself for not scheduling a hair cut prior to the final weigh-in. Prior to getting on the scale, I took off my sweater and glasses. Then, I stepped on the scale very lightly. And, of course I held my breath. I was down 1.8 from the last weigh-in. Obviously my home scale is off. I am sure the work "weigh-in" scale is right. I mean, who doesn't eat like a piggy for two weeks, skip work-outs for 10 days and not lose 1.8 pounds? I don't know what to tell you. I actually weight myself twice. I was so confused. Then I grabbed my sweater and got out of there quick-like. And then I started breathing again. I lost a total of 8.6 pounds in our 8 week weight loss challenge.
I am down a total of 16.4 pounds from January 1st. Just 1.6 more until I reach my first goal. Then I'll go for another five and re-evaluate. I'll be working out again tomorrow and packing good food. I need to do something with this Easter candy. The Old Andi would say something like "I'll just finish it off now and then it won't be around to tempt me." It's an option. I could toss it all. Or I can ration it. Or take it to work and make the weight loss champions salivate.
Well, keep reading I expect the next time I write, I will have made my first goal! And just in time for the warmer weather!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Grief and Emotion in a Fitness Quest
Well, it's been quite a while since my last post. A lot has happened since that time that has somewhat derailed my quest to maintain fitness this year. As some or all of you may already know, I lost my dad to a long battle with leukemia last month. He put up a courageous fight, but when the body is ready, the body is ready.
As anyone who has lost a parent can probably attest, the loss of my dad has been quite a blow to me. Emotionally. Physically. All around, quite a mess. He was the most important man in my life by leaps and bounds. He was my rock. While we weren't close in the physical sense, I knew I could always call him up and ask for advice on any subject (especially money, parenting, and cars) and he'd always have a straight answer for me. Not that I sought his advice a lot, but not even having that as an option anymore is a sobering reality. The man whose actions, beliefs, love and understanding molded me as a person is no longer living and breathing on this planet? Say it ain't so!
Well, it is so. Over the last several months, when it became clear that his health was declining at a faster rate than my family would've liked, I starting preparing myself mentally for that phone call that would send me to the airport to fly back home for his final moments. I secretly and embarrassingly hoped that he might pass in his sleep unexpectedly so that I wouldn't need to face the last few days and see him in such pitiful shape. Even when I did receive that dreaded phone call and made the trip home, I thought I'd be okay. I had been preparing for his death for a long time. When he finally passed, I thought I held up pretty well for the days and couple of weeks afterwards. The fact is, it's been very hard. I think about him every day. I miss him every day. I have periods of grief and emotion every day. Never doubting his love for me, but sometimes questioning whether I did enough as a son to show my love for him.
For people who know me, it would probably come as no surprise that my dad was not a very outwardly emotional person. It probably wouldn't surprise you either that he wasn't someone who would participate in a lot of "small talk" and engage in typical "bull-shitting" amongst friends. He was a no-nonsense guy who always gave an honest and straight answer and rarely let emotions cloud any decision he ever made. It is said that between me and my two siblings, I am the most like Dad was. Because of our similarities, I always felt that we had a fairly close bond. The type that didn't need words to bridge gaps. I knew how he felt about me without him having to voice it. I assumed he knew how I felt about him without me having to voice it.
Though I really didn't want to go back home for my Dad's final days, I am infinitely glad that I did. Yes, it was extremely painful to see him in such a degraded state. The big, strong, male father-figure reduced to bedpans, painkillers, and soiled sheets. Not the way he wanted to go out. But those final couple of days were, in a word, magical. He was stripped down to his emotions. Stripped down to the realization his days were limited. Bare-boned, blunt, honest, naked, and raw. While his body was quickly declining, his wits were about him until the final few hours. The two nights at his bedside in the hospital before he passed, he was making jokes, offering unsolicited yet sage life advice to me and my siblings (as was often the case with him), planning for our future and making sure we were going to be okay. The day before he passed, all of his sisters (there were 5), my siblings, my mom and I all took turns getting into the hospital bed with him and having what he termed "flesh time". Warm body on warm body. Hugging, sharing stories, burying hatchets, and saying what largely probably didn't need to be said. It was an awesomely painful and beautiful thing to behold. As difficult as it was, I know that there are a lot of people that don't get to have those "closing" moments with a family member. I am so thankful that I had those last precious moments in those last couple of days.
So upon returning to Colorado after the memorial service, I basically jumped right back into work. I had been gone for 10 days and couldn't really take more time. While they would have been okay with it, I couldn't let my co-workers continue to pick up my slack. Since then, I've had a very difficult time getting back into the workout groove. I didn't work out at all while back in VA. Coming back here, I didn't pick up a weight or hop on the bike for about two weeks. So that made it about 3 weeks without exercising. I often found myself completely drained after work. I'd spend 10-12 hours at work, then hop in the car for the drive home and find my thoughts drifting to Dad. I'd end up crying on the drive home. Then get home, have dinner, spend some time with the kids and Andi and then go to bed where my thoughts would again drift to Dad. He would say I was wallowing in self-pity. I'm not sure it was self-pity, but it was definitely wallowing. I think that in some sense, I didn't, and still don't, feel like I should be happy. I lost my hero. I'll never be able to give my dad a bear hug again. I should be sad, right? He would also say to "get over it, Son. Life goes on and so should you." It was in that spirit that I finally mustered the energy to get out of bed early one morning to begin the workouts again.
To say that I've been faithful to my exercise regime would be a hysterical lie. I've been anything but. I'm lucky to get two workouts done in a week. I keep finding myself wallowing. I am lacking the emotional strength to give this pursuit the attention it deserves. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing. I need to do better. Dad would want me to do better. The positive things I need to keep reminding myself of are that I actually feel very good after a workout. Endorphin releases from exercise are an amazing way to make yourself feel better. Also, the weather here has finally started to look like spring. That means I can get back on the bike and actually ride outside. I'm so looking forward to the first warm-day ride of the season. The last and probably most important thing is that I know Dad would not want me to lose my momentum completely because of his death or anyone else's. He would want me to continue to do the things I was doing before that were making me happy. Because hey,
Life goes on and so should I.
As anyone who has lost a parent can probably attest, the loss of my dad has been quite a blow to me. Emotionally. Physically. All around, quite a mess. He was the most important man in my life by leaps and bounds. He was my rock. While we weren't close in the physical sense, I knew I could always call him up and ask for advice on any subject (especially money, parenting, and cars) and he'd always have a straight answer for me. Not that I sought his advice a lot, but not even having that as an option anymore is a sobering reality. The man whose actions, beliefs, love and understanding molded me as a person is no longer living and breathing on this planet? Say it ain't so!
Well, it is so. Over the last several months, when it became clear that his health was declining at a faster rate than my family would've liked, I starting preparing myself mentally for that phone call that would send me to the airport to fly back home for his final moments. I secretly and embarrassingly hoped that he might pass in his sleep unexpectedly so that I wouldn't need to face the last few days and see him in such pitiful shape. Even when I did receive that dreaded phone call and made the trip home, I thought I'd be okay. I had been preparing for his death for a long time. When he finally passed, I thought I held up pretty well for the days and couple of weeks afterwards. The fact is, it's been very hard. I think about him every day. I miss him every day. I have periods of grief and emotion every day. Never doubting his love for me, but sometimes questioning whether I did enough as a son to show my love for him.
For people who know me, it would probably come as no surprise that my dad was not a very outwardly emotional person. It probably wouldn't surprise you either that he wasn't someone who would participate in a lot of "small talk" and engage in typical "bull-shitting" amongst friends. He was a no-nonsense guy who always gave an honest and straight answer and rarely let emotions cloud any decision he ever made. It is said that between me and my two siblings, I am the most like Dad was. Because of our similarities, I always felt that we had a fairly close bond. The type that didn't need words to bridge gaps. I knew how he felt about me without him having to voice it. I assumed he knew how I felt about him without me having to voice it.
Though I really didn't want to go back home for my Dad's final days, I am infinitely glad that I did. Yes, it was extremely painful to see him in such a degraded state. The big, strong, male father-figure reduced to bedpans, painkillers, and soiled sheets. Not the way he wanted to go out. But those final couple of days were, in a word, magical. He was stripped down to his emotions. Stripped down to the realization his days were limited. Bare-boned, blunt, honest, naked, and raw. While his body was quickly declining, his wits were about him until the final few hours. The two nights at his bedside in the hospital before he passed, he was making jokes, offering unsolicited yet sage life advice to me and my siblings (as was often the case with him), planning for our future and making sure we were going to be okay. The day before he passed, all of his sisters (there were 5), my siblings, my mom and I all took turns getting into the hospital bed with him and having what he termed "flesh time". Warm body on warm body. Hugging, sharing stories, burying hatchets, and saying what largely probably didn't need to be said. It was an awesomely painful and beautiful thing to behold. As difficult as it was, I know that there are a lot of people that don't get to have those "closing" moments with a family member. I am so thankful that I had those last precious moments in those last couple of days.
So upon returning to Colorado after the memorial service, I basically jumped right back into work. I had been gone for 10 days and couldn't really take more time. While they would have been okay with it, I couldn't let my co-workers continue to pick up my slack. Since then, I've had a very difficult time getting back into the workout groove. I didn't work out at all while back in VA. Coming back here, I didn't pick up a weight or hop on the bike for about two weeks. So that made it about 3 weeks without exercising. I often found myself completely drained after work. I'd spend 10-12 hours at work, then hop in the car for the drive home and find my thoughts drifting to Dad. I'd end up crying on the drive home. Then get home, have dinner, spend some time with the kids and Andi and then go to bed where my thoughts would again drift to Dad. He would say I was wallowing in self-pity. I'm not sure it was self-pity, but it was definitely wallowing. I think that in some sense, I didn't, and still don't, feel like I should be happy. I lost my hero. I'll never be able to give my dad a bear hug again. I should be sad, right? He would also say to "get over it, Son. Life goes on and so should you." It was in that spirit that I finally mustered the energy to get out of bed early one morning to begin the workouts again.
To say that I've been faithful to my exercise regime would be a hysterical lie. I've been anything but. I'm lucky to get two workouts done in a week. I keep finding myself wallowing. I am lacking the emotional strength to give this pursuit the attention it deserves. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing. I need to do better. Dad would want me to do better. The positive things I need to keep reminding myself of are that I actually feel very good after a workout. Endorphin releases from exercise are an amazing way to make yourself feel better. Also, the weather here has finally started to look like spring. That means I can get back on the bike and actually ride outside. I'm so looking forward to the first warm-day ride of the season. The last and probably most important thing is that I know Dad would not want me to lose my momentum completely because of his death or anyone else's. He would want me to continue to do the things I was doing before that were making me happy. Because hey,
Life goes on and so should I.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Mind Games: Losing While Pigging Out! (By Andi)
This past weekend was a major challenge between eating healthy and letting loose. I let loose. It was my son's birthday. He had a large sleep over party where we faked camping. I had over to my house eight boys, all eight years old. We had a tent in the living room and make smores in the fireplace. Knowing this was going to be challenging, I decided to make the food part of the party as easy as possible. I made cupcakes and bought lots of chips and trail mix. In all me pre planning cleaning (we'll get back to that in a moment), I forgot to prep me some good food. So not only did I have lots of chips and trail mix, I drank margaritas. I would have gone with wine but we had none. I had instead zero calorie margarita mix. This does not make the tequila calorie free mind you. I estimate I had close to 500 calories of my 1200 calorie limit in margaritas. The remaining 2200 calories was had with the rest of the junk food. So at this point I planned on bringing $5 to the work weigh in figuring I blew it. But I was resolved to enjoying the gluttony of Cool Ranch Doritos. That was Saturday. Sunday started with another cupcake, finished off the Cool Ranch and had no work out all weekend. I was back to my routine Monday and weighed in today (Wednesday). Down 1.2 pounds. Yes, I am thrilled. But I am worried. I'm having little mind games with myself. So, I can eat nearly a bag of Doritos and have 3 cupcakes and four margaritas and lose weight? Sweet! No. Not sweet. It would never continue to work this way. It's a darn fluke and I cannot get into that habit. But it was nice to let loose for a weekend.
Back to this "pre cleaning" for the party idea. Prior to having eight boys over for a sleep over, I cleaned house. I mopped the floor, cleaned the toilet, picked up all around the house, dusted, made my husband do things like vacuum and I hired a high school student to pick up the patio and rake the dead grass and dog poop in the yard. Okay, I am glad the poop was taken care of, but needless to say, Sunday when the parents came to pick up the boys, no one would guess that I cleaned house. Why do I do dumb things like that? Heck, why do I allow eight boys to have a sleep over in my home? Next year, I think my son can invite two friends to the movies.
I have three more weeks to go on the work fitness challenge. I think I am around 6th out of 15. I'm not sure I can pull off a 3rd place win but at this point, I don't want to have to add $5 each week I am over. I am anxious for the challenge to be over. Not that I plan to eat a lot and stop working out. Rather, I need to bring it in a little or else I will loose all interest in making this a forever change. I'm also sick of worrying about the scale each week. The pre weigh-in thoughts are so annoying! (I need to pee first. I need light clothes for Wednesday's weigh-in. Should I get my hair cut before the weigh-in? How much weight would I take off if I shaved my legs the morning of the weigh-in? Should I workout that morning? I need to forgo water during the workout the morning of my weigh-in. What should I have for dinner the night before? Should I go by the bank and get money in case I gained?) As you can see, I'm crazy.
I digress. Let me tell you what I DO like. I like the way clothes fit. I like the way I feel after a workout. I like my workout play lists and "me" time at the gym. I like how my knees are less sore climbing stairs. I like feeling in control of my intake. I like talking to my friends about workouts and new foods. I like the splurge of a drink or real desert now and then. I like feeling just a little engulfed in my husbands arms. I like that I have kept this going for nearly 4 months. I like that I am not even close to giving up. I like that I won't give up!
Back to this "pre cleaning" for the party idea. Prior to having eight boys over for a sleep over, I cleaned house. I mopped the floor, cleaned the toilet, picked up all around the house, dusted, made my husband do things like vacuum and I hired a high school student to pick up the patio and rake the dead grass and dog poop in the yard. Okay, I am glad the poop was taken care of, but needless to say, Sunday when the parents came to pick up the boys, no one would guess that I cleaned house. Why do I do dumb things like that? Heck, why do I allow eight boys to have a sleep over in my home? Next year, I think my son can invite two friends to the movies.
I have three more weeks to go on the work fitness challenge. I think I am around 6th out of 15. I'm not sure I can pull off a 3rd place win but at this point, I don't want to have to add $5 each week I am over. I am anxious for the challenge to be over. Not that I plan to eat a lot and stop working out. Rather, I need to bring it in a little or else I will loose all interest in making this a forever change. I'm also sick of worrying about the scale each week. The pre weigh-in thoughts are so annoying! (I need to pee first. I need light clothes for Wednesday's weigh-in. Should I get my hair cut before the weigh-in? How much weight would I take off if I shaved my legs the morning of the weigh-in? Should I workout that morning? I need to forgo water during the workout the morning of my weigh-in. What should I have for dinner the night before? Should I go by the bank and get money in case I gained?) As you can see, I'm crazy.
I digress. Let me tell you what I DO like. I like the way clothes fit. I like the way I feel after a workout. I like my workout play lists and "me" time at the gym. I like how my knees are less sore climbing stairs. I like feeling in control of my intake. I like talking to my friends about workouts and new foods. I like the splurge of a drink or real desert now and then. I like feeling just a little engulfed in my husbands arms. I like that I have kept this going for nearly 4 months. I like that I am not even close to giving up. I like that I won't give up!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Truckin' On! 10 Weeks and 14 Pounds Later by Andi
It's been about 10 weeks since I made the commitment to myself to turn my health around! I have lost 14 pounds and a size or two in my clothes. I feel really great. I decided to go ahead and join the work "biggest loser" challenge about 4 weeks ago. I'm right in the middle of the pack with my total weight loss but that's no big deal. I know I lost most of the weigh so far in January. It's harder now to lose. I'm not putting up the big numbers like before. But that's okay. We have been a big support to each other. Almost every day you can find me and my work diet friends around the work conference table comparing lunches and talking about challenges we are having. Oh and also glaring at the sweets one of the contestants keeps bringing to work and leaving out for all of us to partake in.
I'm still right in the thick of feeling good and confident about the direction of my health. So good in fact, I am considering joining a challenge called "Dirty Girl!" This is a mud race/obstacle coarse for women to raise money for breast cancer research. It's in September. That will be so fun! There are around 8 of us at work looking to do this.
Something that has helped me kick up my work-outs...Tug gave me his old i-pod! It's my first i-pod ever. I learned how to search for and purchase play lists. Shape magazine has cool work-out play lists. I really like 80's music and one list combined some great 80's songs to a techno/work-out beat and I love it! It makes my work-outs nearly fun. I kinda get lost in the beat and time flies by so fast. Having the beat also helps me keep my pace up. No more angry gym guy music!
Finding healthy, easy to fix food has still be a little challenging. The bottom line is it requires time and effort. The i-phone program My Fitness Pal has been so very valuable tracking my intake. Still loving that! I recently bought the Skinny Girl margarita drink. It's 100 calories per serving but they think a serving is 4 ounces. That is NOT a serving. That's a taste test. So I can count on 200 for a decent sized drink. I am trying to keep my net caloric intake at or under 1200. With my workouts, I usually get up to 1400. That's is very doable. 1200 is hard. So working out is a must for me most days.
I am still getting up at around 4 am to get to the gym before work. I was worried about the recent time change thinking my body will think it's only 3 am. It was actually not too bad. As it turns out, 3 am is not that much different than 4 am. Both suck equally! Lucky me! In addition to increasing the time on my workouts to 45-50 minutes, I have increased my arm weights. I'm not trying to bulk up but I would like to build enough muscle to allow me to increase my calories. Again, I admit I have a slight food addiction.
So that's the 10 week scoop. It's all become part of what I do. It's not easy but it is easier to fit all this into the rest of my life. I am looking forward to celebrating my son's 8th birthday this weekend with him and too many of his friends in an "indoor camping" sleep over. Ballet has started for my daughter, which is a blast to observe and baseball for my son is just a few weeks away! And life goes on!
I'm still right in the thick of feeling good and confident about the direction of my health. So good in fact, I am considering joining a challenge called "Dirty Girl!" This is a mud race/obstacle coarse for women to raise money for breast cancer research. It's in September. That will be so fun! There are around 8 of us at work looking to do this.
Something that has helped me kick up my work-outs...Tug gave me his old i-pod! It's my first i-pod ever. I learned how to search for and purchase play lists. Shape magazine has cool work-out play lists. I really like 80's music and one list combined some great 80's songs to a techno/work-out beat and I love it! It makes my work-outs nearly fun. I kinda get lost in the beat and time flies by so fast. Having the beat also helps me keep my pace up. No more angry gym guy music!
Finding healthy, easy to fix food has still be a little challenging. The bottom line is it requires time and effort. The i-phone program My Fitness Pal has been so very valuable tracking my intake. Still loving that! I recently bought the Skinny Girl margarita drink. It's 100 calories per serving but they think a serving is 4 ounces. That is NOT a serving. That's a taste test. So I can count on 200 for a decent sized drink. I am trying to keep my net caloric intake at or under 1200. With my workouts, I usually get up to 1400. That's is very doable. 1200 is hard. So working out is a must for me most days.
I am still getting up at around 4 am to get to the gym before work. I was worried about the recent time change thinking my body will think it's only 3 am. It was actually not too bad. As it turns out, 3 am is not that much different than 4 am. Both suck equally! Lucky me! In addition to increasing the time on my workouts to 45-50 minutes, I have increased my arm weights. I'm not trying to bulk up but I would like to build enough muscle to allow me to increase my calories. Again, I admit I have a slight food addiction.
So that's the 10 week scoop. It's all become part of what I do. It's not easy but it is easier to fit all this into the rest of my life. I am looking forward to celebrating my son's 8th birthday this weekend with him and too many of his friends in an "indoor camping" sleep over. Ballet has started for my daughter, which is a blast to observe and baseball for my son is just a few weeks away! And life goes on!
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